20 Miscellaneous, Unprioritized, and Unasked for Pieces of Wisdom
1. Hang paintings at eye level.
2. Use vinegar on jellyfish stings. Don’t pee on them. Unless you’ve been drinking vinegar.
3. When lost in a city, follow the direction of the heaviest traffic; it’s usually headed to the city center.
4. Sage is the Thanksgiving spice. When you want to make that Typical Thanksgiving Gravy, it’s sage. I swear it.
5. Sean is pronounced the same as Shawn. Seamus is Shamus. Sinead is Shin-ade. Celt always has a hard C, like cotton, unless you’re talking about a sports team, and I have no idea why you’d be doing that.
6. Your dad told you, and I’m telling you again: turn in the direction of the skid.
7. If you feel tired after drinking coffee, drink a glass of water at the same time.
8. The reason why your skin looks funky is because none of us wash our faces enough. SCRUB, dammit. No, you don’t need soap. Just get that dead stuff off, for crying out loud.
9. If you need the meat of a nonfiction book in a hurry, read the first chapter and last chapter. If you have more time, the first paragraph and last paragraph of each chapter. If you have even more time, first sentence and last sentence of each paragraph. That’s the point of it. The rest is just proof.
10. Hank is short for Henry. Chaz for Charles. No, I do not know why.
11. The longer you soak beans before you cook ‘em, the less farting happens. Soak overnight and rinse before cooking and then rinse after cooking for the least explosive dining experience. But you can also boil them for a minute and let sit for an hour before rinsing and cooking and rinsing again.
12. Don’t drink milk when you have a cold. It thickens your mucus and makes it last longer.
13. If you’re not checking luggage at the airport, you can be way later for your flight and still make it.
14. When two strangers are in a conversation, they have a tendency to adopt the same position. The person who changes position first has the upper hand in the discussion.
15. Athletic shoes have been carefully designed to provide as much support as the bare human foot. Being barefoot is awesome.
16. But you can get hookworms if you’re barefoot.
17. Less likely to get athlete’s foot, though. Athlete’s foot is a fungus that likes warm, moist places and hosts with sweet teeth.
18. Your marker probably didn’t actually run out of ink; it probably just ran out of solvent to keep the pigment flowing. You can use water to rejuvenate most pens, but for a marker, you’ll need something more like what the company puts in there. Which is a lot like lighter fluid.
19. Your home-made cake doesn’t taste like a box cake because you’re using butter instead of vegetable oil.
20. Don’t stand behind a strange horse, don’t look a strange dog in the eyes, don’t rub a strange cat’s belly, and for God’s sake, don’t let strange men handcuff you to your bed.
Feel free to add a piece of wisdom below.